Top Reasons Being a Mom can be Lonely

by Claire Minnaar

This isn’t meant to be a sad or unhappy post, but something I have been thinking about for a while. I felt quite lonely this last week – I’ve been living in a new town for a month and have very few people I know other than my direct family and in-laws and although I love my family SO VERY MUCH, sometimes you just need that someone different or someone else to chat to, share ideas with, etc.

Perhaps I’m the only one that feels this way, but from past experience, I know there’s very often someone else out there going through similar thoughts and / or emotions, so I thought I’d share.

So, here are my a few of my thoughts on being a Mom and feeling alone (based on both my personal experiences and my friends who are Moms):

  • You are the only one who can make a decision about your child. No one can make the decisions for you and sometimes making those decisions can feel really lonely- nobody wants to make the wrong choice.
  • When having kids, a lot of friends without kids seem to move on and / or away – this can be lonely. I haven’t seen some of my single friends or married friends without kids in months (not necessarily as a result of me not trying to get together). Lives are just different now.
  • Finding another Mom who relates to who you are, how you bring up your kids, how you discipline, how you approach things in different aspect, etc. isn’t always easy to find making it difficult sometimes to find someone to really talk to.
  • Becoming a Mom means that you WILL be judged and frankly, who wants to be judged by others. I don’t fancy hanging around with someone who judges me constantly or insists on sharing their opinion which they know I won’t necessarily like.
  • A lot of Moms can’t just pop out when you have a spare moment or sometimes are just too tired from running around and playing Mom to go out at the drop of a hat.
  • You can spend 24/7 with your kids and it’s just not the same as adult company – your kids are your kids and NOT your best friends or that special someone you can have a good chuckle with.
  • Every Mom has their own set of emotions and NO ONE else knows how they feel and that can be a really lonely feeling.
  • Sometimes, no matter how much you love your husband or partner, sometimes they just aren’t enough.

This was a just passing thought and I thought it was worth sharing as it was on my mind. For me, I know it will blow over as I’m sure it will for you.

Does anyone out there feel the same? Please leave a comment in the comments below.

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12 comments

K July 9, 2012 - 9:43 am

I often feel this way and have found it very overwhelming at times especially as I’m a mom to one 2year old so all this SAHM stuff is new to me….and if I dwell on the facts that I have no transport and the area we live in is devoid of mommy groups then it gets me down very easily! But there are little ways to improve chances of getting those few moments of sane adult conversation ( walks to park, family friendly coffee shops, public library, etc… ) Winter is forcing us more often to be isolated indoors, so the idea is to keep busy and try to do new things with my son as often as possible.
I’m there too with the missing friends and loss of personal identity, difficult to remember or do anything about my own needs as an individual…
Maybe with your next post we can get feedback from readers on new idea’s on how to get us mommies out of these slumps and back into the present?! I’m definitely open to some new idea’s and positive thinking experiments 🙂

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Mira Herman July 9, 2012 - 9:52 am

Yes I often feel this way too. Having to make decisions on my own is daunting. Having my child not get how much of my life revolves around him. How hard one works because you want to be able to say yes to your child whenever possible and finding that I am saying no just by working so damn hard and he thinks I love working more than I love him. As a single mom it’s more so.

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Tess July 9, 2012 - 10:07 am

What a great post Claire, I think all moms can relate to this topic! I feel very lonely often and I have what I call my “momzilla” days when I feel like the worse mom ever, not wanting to be with my children but you can feel drained after all, as you say, I don’t think we are designed to be with our kiddies 24/7 without that mommy support. I think modern way of life has left mommies even less supported now a days. It’s not like before where we all lived close by our immediate family and like they say “it takes a village to raise a child” I really believe that it takes more than one person. As a mom you worry about their well being, making sure they are taken care of but someone else can provide play and other stimulation for them while you do something else for a while. I think you’ll get lots of posts here! And love the idea from K to get feedback to get moms out of slumps…..that will be a great topic.

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cleo July 9, 2012 - 10:29 am

This post rings very true, it was a true statement when i was a SAHM and sadly this is 100x more true as a single working mom. I find my self in the trap of my 7 year old son being my best friend and my entire life revolving around him.

Most moms say “ooooh you are so lucky to have a weekend off every two weeks”, but to be honest due to all the factors that you have mentioned above and more that relate to being a single mom (finance and the phenomenon of becoming person non grata socialy after a seperation), i have never been so lonely in my life & those ‘free’ weekends just become a long empty time to try and fill.

It would be wonderful to be able to meet a group of people that you could enjoy a cup of coffee with etc … if you ever do find a solution for us mom, single or otherwise, i think that you would very wealthy woman.

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Sherilee July 9, 2012 - 10:30 am

You hit the nail on the head for me this morning. I feel so guilty lately for wanting more, I have a fiance’ that gets involved more than I have ever seen any father get involved in his home life and his children, I have the most amazing baby boy, who really doesnt fuss for much and we have a family with the most amazing support and love for us, but i feel empty, a little lost, I need something and couldnt quite figure out what is was until I read this and didnt have to hide the fact that I am lonely and something feels like it is missing. Recently my best friend became my sister in-law and things between us changed, actually things between us changed the day I told her I was pregnant, as she cried (not happy tears) because she wanted a child so badly. I lost my very best friend that day and now that I am a mother with a schedule that I dont honestly know how “us” mothers get through I am finding it difficult to find a new best friend. I think its time to get back on the horse, spend some time out with my Fiance’ and meet new people, being a great mom doesnt mean giving up on yourself, I think it means loving yourself in order to love and appreciate the people in your life the very best you can.

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Denise July 9, 2012 - 12:43 pm

I think most moms have felt part or all of these feelings. Thank you for such an honest post. I totally can relate!

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Lacy July 9, 2012 - 1:41 pm

I have always found it hard to make friends, and since becoming a mother, it has become even harder. I have tried joining mommy groups and stroller clubs, but as you pointed out, it’s tough to find someone with whom you see eye to eye on a majority of issues.
I actually started my website as a response to some of the loneliness and jealousy I was feeling after I became a mom. I am a food writer, and pre-baby I could pop out for an expensive meal or a cocktail any time I wanted to. Now, my husband and I haven’t been out to dinner alone since my in-laws came to visit and babysat for us on our anniversary—almost 10 months ago!!
But I know there are ways to make it work. I am more committed to my non-mom friends who HAVE stuck around, because I know they are the real deal, even if we don’t hang out the way we used to. And eventually, I’m pretty sure I’ll find my “mommy BFF.” HA! 🙂

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Sally July 9, 2012 - 7:26 pm

mmm.. Lovely article as always Claire. SORRY to hear you are going through a dip… Totally relate to moving to a new town.. and all I can say it takes time….but eventually you will get into that once familiar feeling … a sense of belonging. xx

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Kathryn (Becoming you) July 10, 2012 - 7:01 pm

Great article – it’s so important for moms to be real and honest about their struggles and in doing so we often find that when we thought we were alone, we actually were not!! Something I realised recently by thinking about other moms I know and who I feel most likely to befriend is that pretending that I have it all together often alienates friendship possibilities with other moms who are looking for some solidarity. We need to remember that we are all in it together and not out to judge each other!!

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Janmary, N Ireland July 10, 2012 - 9:18 pm

Lots of great points which I can identify with.

I am a WAHM – I run my own jewellery business. Friends are at different stages, without kids, or kids at different stages to my own.

I have found womens business network which has monthly events – using informal and informative. I look forward to these, and connecting with other women who are at a similar stage in their lives.

Thanks for sharing your feelings – I am sure a lot of other women with identify with you.

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Roxanne July 17, 2012 - 1:42 pm

OMW i can totally relate to how you feel. i feel like that all the time. Most of my friends with children are either married or live to far or overseas so i hardly ever see them. the friends that are close, have no obligations and responsibilities and can just pick up and go out / move on as they please. i am a single mom with almost no contact with the outside world. it gets very lonely most of the time when it’s just me and my princess at home. i can’t just up and go at a moment’s notice and everyone always seems to busy living their own lives to spend time with us / me. Lives of being mom’s hey.

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glitter ndyaluvane July 21, 2012 - 1:15 pm

I sometimes feel like that and I always thought its because am a new mom its nice to see that am not alone.great article I relate to it so much

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