Moms Talk Sex

by Claire Minnaar

My biggest fear when I was a teenager was that I would one day die and would have not had SEX! I was adamant that my time was NOT TO HAPPEN unless I was no longer a virgin!

I had 2 single beds that were parallel to one another sitting against opposite walls. I used to sit on one with my back against the wall facing my friend, Michelle, who faced me while sitting back against her wall. Next to each of us, we sat with candle sticks….deciding how long it was or should be…yes, I’m referring to the willy, the penis, the Johnson, the pecker, the sausage, the shlong!! From little birthday candles to those very long candlesticks for those nights when there’s no electricity, each one would be considered and with bright eyes, big smiles and little giggles, we would chat about what it must be like, where the first time would be, what we think it will be like, discussing whether it will be sore and who, of course, the lucky fella will be!

Now, many years later (sorry, not going to divulge when I lost my virginity – my MOM reads this blog!!), it’s like ancient history and the thought of having SEX isn’t the same anymore…in fact, it’s completely different! Throw a kid or 2 into the mix and well, SEX, isn’t necessarily the main priority anymore.

So, I couldn’t help putting together a survey for all you Moms and see what y’all had to say.

Here are the results (see additional comments after the charts):

Additional Comments shared on the question about whether becoming a Mom changed your sex drive:

I’ve included almost all the comments “as is” – it really shows that we are all in different boats.

  • I want more sex now but get less 🙁
  • Being a Mom has made me way too tired for sex but I think my libido is much better – orgasms seems to get better with age!
  • Am exhausted so sometimes there is no sex drive at all.
  • Exhaustion, less sexy body, difficult to be spontaneous with children around…
  • As a mom of a toddler tiredness plays a big role in the change, and also the many changes of my body made me feel self-conscious. Even though my husband reassures me – its my own personal issues that make it a problem. Time alone also no longer really exists as babysitters are so difficult to find.
  • It did in the beginning, but now it is back to how it was before.
  • I have very little sex drive, feels more like a chore now and I don’t know why. before kids we had a great sex life. And i enjoyed it>
  • After my second daughter was born by sex drive nose dived for a long time.
  • I am terrified to have another child, I have had such a traumatic experience with my first.
  • Changed my partners sex drive to super low and he worries that our child might walk in on us!
  • It did a lot and never thought one could breast feed and have sex at the same time. I used to sleep in between husband and baby. Children brought the gender roles into play and I must say over the years it has made me a tad resentful. You should have asked about snoring – big problem!
  • Too tired, never seem to get round to it.
  • As I Had a C-Section, everything Down There is still the same (if not tighter it might seem).*Shy Laugh*
  • It has made sex more enjoyable for both of us. We are quite active, it makes me feel closer to him.
  • I enjoy sex more now that I’m a Mom than before.
  • Too tired to have sex every night. Also end up sleeping in bed with kids. Either theirs or ours.
  • Low libido and always tired.
  • Before becoming a mommy, we use to have sex everyday, 5 times a day sometimes, but now I don’t have a sex drive anymore.
  • Tired and busy more so now sex happens less. Also stick to the bedroom not to be discovered and it’s a safe and habitual thing. Sex happens when we can both connect in our diaries.
  • Just to tired, plus finding time around when our 5 month old is asleep/awake is always a battle. We often get interrupted, which kills the mood 🙁
  • I don’t always feel like having sex. I would say my sex drive is down since falling pregnant.
  • I don’t feel like I want to have sex as much as I used to. I jus feel tired all the time.
  • With my first I had a small tear and a very colicky baby, so it took 6 months for things to feel ‘normal’ again in terms of quality and quantity. With my second I had a great birth, and an easy baby, so it only took a week to get back into the swing of things. Since the birth of #2 (just over 13months now) we have never skipped a week. Once a week is a danger zone for us, we aim for three times a week, but realistically we manage 2 times and some weeks we manage 3 times. I found my hormones changed with birth and breastfeeding, but I read somewhere that when you are breastfeeding, once the baby is a year old your body starts producing oestrogen again – and I really have experienced that – I realize what it is to have a libido again! Usually I only really get turned on once things are on their way, so it was often a case of getting started because I knew we both needed it – and I can truly say I have never not enjoyed myself. Some of our best times have been when I felt like it the least. I have also experienced the ‘the more you do it the more you want to do it’ syndrome… Sorry for all the words! 🙂
  • Just don’t have much energy for it as I use to when I was younger and before kids! Perhaps because I’m still getting broken sleep and am exhausted after a full day with 2 children. Hoping this will change as they get older!
  • Feel like I have no energy left at the end of the day for sex. Less libido.
  • Body issues.
  • Since becoming a mom I have no energy left at night to make myself “pretty” for the bedroom. Also having a 3 year old in the bed some nights doesn’t help. And being pregnant doesn’t help either…
  • Would love to have more sex. Sex 2x a day with a toddler and a husband who is studying?????
  • I dont feel free doing it while my kids are sleeping on the other room. But, I’m active when they are at my moms
  • Well I developed a higher sex drive and that brought my partner and I to an end.
  • I answered according to my last sexual relationship.
  • Making time.
  • Dont feel like having sex as much like before children.
  • I only recently (in last three years) have been able to achieve an orgasm and it was a state of mind.
  • Impacts on time available to spend alone together 😉 Being tired also doesn’t help!
  • Natural birth so nervous and sensitive
  • I breastfed for a year and the doctor said that it takes all your hormones away that make you want to have sex and since then it is difficult to get that feeling of wanting sex.
  • i don’t feel the need to have sex any more, its almost like i’ve lost my drive?
  • It is better & sexier.
  • I have more drive now than before my kids… but before my kids i had more time!
  • Initially I was scared I would fall pregnant again, so I wasn’t too keen after I recovered from giving birth. As time went by, it felt more nicer. I think having a child made us a lot closer.
  • I feel awkard being intimate when the kids are in the house with us and I don’t like the idea of them being able to hear so we usually wait until they are at sleepovers or when we have date night and our parents look after the kids for us.
  • Changed in a good way.
  • My sex drive is completely gone, and it hurts to have sex.
  • It made me loose alot of self confidence in the way I look naked, and I mean, who wants to have sex when they feel unattractive?
  • I was very frisky before my pregnancy and especially during but now that I have a 4 month old I find Im too tired to think about sex.
  • I am constantly tired, never in the mood. Don’t feel good about my body, cant stand it when my husband touches my body.
  • I’m too tired to be too exciting!
  • Lower sex drive but more confident about sex and enjoy it more when I have sex.
  • I lost a lot of self-esteem and this deteriorated more and more with each subsequent child I have had. My body changed so much, both inside and out. It’s tough to let go of self image and just be content with who you are. If I can overcome that, which I am trying, then I think it would have a healthy affect on my sex drive.
  • Can’t always have what I want when I want it.
  • Decreased.
  • It has decreased my sex drive, just don’t crave it as I used too.
  • Am no longer on a contraceptive pill and sex drive has improved. Use but hate condoms though….
  • I LOVED sex before i fell pregnant . . . now i can live without it 🙁
  • Hubby doesn’t understand that you are sometimes so exhausted and not in the mood and it is nothing to do with him personally.
  • Everything just fell apart!!!! It took me 2 years to get my drive back:-(
  • The pill drained my sex drive for years. The year we were trying to fall pregnant we had amazing sex. Hubby wasn’t that interested when I was pregnant and our sex life has never recovered. We mostly too tired or just not interested anymore.
  • I don’t feel like it – ever!
  • Mostly waaaaay too tired to have sex. Sometimes feel like its a chore
  • Sex drive low for first year after baby.
  • I took a while to get back into the swing of things and not as much free time any more.
  • I think it’s a matter of being tired after having woken up a few times the night before, having a day at work and everything else in a day and then having to have sex, just can’t face it most nights.
  • It changed while I was pregnant, I just didn’t want to have sex but now I’m back to normal.
  • With all the added responsibility of raising 3 kids and a full time job, time for sex is few and far between.
  • Didn’t feel like having sex for a long time but now my 2nd child is 2 and I feel I have my sex drive back.
  • Sex drive diminished – particularly because of tiredness (and I had PND). Now it just requires more effort and planning.
  • Sex took a back seat when the kiddies came along unfortunately.
  • In some ways, hormonally feel less drive (often really tired, hectic busy lifestyle etc a big cause of lower libido I’m sure) and less confident about my body now that it sags and covered in stretch marks! My partner also has lower drive (also tired most of the time) which impacts on me a lot. Pregnant again so nausea doesn’t help too!

The reason for sharing this all with you is to help you KNOW that you aren’t alone – someone out there is going through the similar “sex phase” as you and judging by many of the comments above, it will get better. It starts with YOU, so hang in there and look at what YOU need to do in order to kick start things again if you’re in a bit of a sex funk.

I hope this has helped you a bit. Feel free to email me or leave a comment if you found this article useful!

Photo Credit: Survey Magnet

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